GLARRRRRRRRRRRRP colombia BLAHRRRRR Thursday, Jun 4 2009

I´m in Colombia and I am lovin every second of it BABAY.
After a terrible 35 hour total (stopping in between) bus journey to Lima, I stayed the night and bought a plane ticket to Medellin for the next morning, at 5:50. As always, I thought to myself that 550 ain´t too bad a time to wake my lil self up, and ignored the fact that a 550 plane yields a 230 wake up time. So I cursed my ignorance and stayed up the whole night watching Benjamin Button, which was an amazing movie. This trip has been so good to me- lately I have been fascinated by death and life and everything that I´ve read and a lot of the movies I´ve seen confront those questions.

by the way, I´m nearly finished with For Whom the Bell Tolls (such a score in the book exchange) and it´s excellent.

SO, I got my little self to Medellin and immediately slapped my self across the head because I forgot my tent at my Lima hostel, cleverly hid under the bed, too cleverly hid for my poor forgetful self to remember. After 3 months of trekking around with this great burden of a tent, JUST to camp on the beach, and then to FORGET it right as I´m going to the beach? lame.

How are the people in Colombia, you say? THE BEST i´ve met in South America! So amazingly loving and friendly and trustworthy. More trustworthy than any other South Americans I´ve encountered. And that is a big deal when you´re a little lady going around solo. When I arrived in Bogotá, a kind man, a father of 5, bought me food and coffee as a surprise and sat down and talked to me about his wife and kids and politics and witchery for an hour. When I got in to Medellin, there were so many guys who went out of their ways to help me stay safe in the night time. It´s great! not to mention that everybody, strangers and family alike, calls one another ´mi amor.´ That is a healthy amount of love for a country.

But there are also some scary things about Medellin- bastánte gente loca. I was literally the only traveller I saw all day, a rare rare thing. Everyone looked at me surprised that I wasn´t scared to come here by myself. There are more homeless than I´ve seen in all my travels in Medellín, and not the kinds that you can be friends with. Lots of tarted-up junkie guys sell their bodies on the main roads at night, which is too bad, I don´t want to know what happens to them. There is also a huge population of roaming homeless, parentless children under the age of 12, their feet tarred with months of city barefootness, their mouths blistery, their faces sad. I talked to a man at my hotel about them, and he said that nobody helps them, not the government, nor the church, nor any non profit organization. I have to return and help them. They are a scary bunch, and they run in packs down the streets at night.

I left the next morning after eating a delicious bunuelo (try this if you are in a Latin neighborhood, the best fried thing you can eat for breakfast, ever). The bus to Santa Marta was 16 hours of rolling green, fluffy, voluptuous colombian mountains sprinkled with cows. Lots of men dressed in suits of ammo and automatic guns roam the streets.

I´m going to miss South American bus rides. There´s always one old lady and one little kid that I become best friends with, without fail. At the end, when we part, the most we can give to each other is saying that we love the other and telling them to take care of themselves mucho.

SO, I got to Santa Marta in the middle of the night, and me and this funny little lady of 60 years searched near and far for a hotel, except –>I<– knew where it was all the while, and she kept on insisting no, no, and ringing the doorbells of poor families at 2 am. It was a laugh. We shared a bed in the hotel to save money, this stranger lady and I. She was a great character in her shiny black heels.

THEN I immediately went to Taganga, 45 minutes outside the city of Santa Marta. It´s a tiny fishing village where the waves roll slowly and the donkeys pull carts along the dirt roads. Every day I engorge my belly with cup after cup of all varieties of fruit juice. Ones to note: Tomates del Arból, tree tomatoes, that taste unlike anything I´ve ever tried, very delicious. Also, Zapote, Carambola, Maracujá (passion fruit). It´s the lamest thing about where I live, the lack of fruit. Our variety of native fruits is no good.

I WENT SCUBA DIVING TODAY! It was completely amazing! So exhausting! I freaked out when I got to the bottom, because my brain was telling me that I shouldn´t be able to breathe under water. This messed with my heart rate and my breathing was stressed. After that it was all smooooth sailing. The fish are SO COOL, they don´t give a crap that you are swimming right up in to their business, they just carry on. They are so graceful and beautiful. My dive instructor was hitting on me SO HARD in such a smooth latino way- he kept on holding my hand under the water, which I at first thought was regular dive procedure, but came to find that it was just part of his strategy. Distracting to have a colombian man caressing my hand exessively while I´m trying to soak in the wonders of life under water!

I spent the whole night yesterday drinking 75 cent beers and pulling ticks off of this cute little dog with cocked ears. I think he´s sick because for hours he sits in one place and looks out smiling, tilting his head, looking at the goings on about town. He doesn´t even flinch for the girl dog who´s in heat, who has literally 20 or so boy dogs chasing her around in triangular formation, head mate dog in front, dog who´s not gon´tap that at the back. He´s a cute dog. I wish I could take him home with me, but instead I just slip him my leftovers. We have some sort of understanding.

apologies for making this so long, but I must tell you this hilarious thing. There are two black sheep wandering around the beach, seemingly following me everywhere I go! What are they doing here?! None of the locals know what brought them here. There´s DEFINITELY no grass to munch on. They are probably spying on us humans and plotting a revolt.

That´s all for now. I head to Parque Nacional Tayrona Friday, after I get certified for diving.

http://travel.nytimes.com/2007/11/11/travel/11Explorer.html?scp=1&sq=tayrona%20park&st=cse

Love, blessings to all.

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OH! Monday, May 25 2009

thanks to everyone who wished me a happy birthday! I had a really good night of jungle adventuring. i feel so ancient! what happened to bloody knees, ice cream cake, guinea pigs with ribbons and turning double digits! damn

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doin´that thang Thursday, May 21 2009

hello everybody!

I´m closing up my time in Bolivia. how unfortunate! Bolivia is a GREAT place. I love it here. I head to Lima this weekend i think, and I might take a flight to Medellin if I can afford it. I want to go up to the north of Colombia as quickly as possible so I can get my diving license.

So what IS NEW with me? I got egged today because it is my birthday. That was cool, except I don´t have any soap or shampoo because they were stolen, so I have little elastic bits of egg white all over me. I guess one has  to be egged SOME time in their life, though. My ocelot is in heat again. She is very affectionate and temperamental. I awoke her from her hours-long nap in the sun the other day because I was flanked by mosquitoes on all sides, and she attacked! but it´s all good, because she´s pretty small and she only bruised me badly.

OH, by the way, ABC filmed a Nightline special at Comunidad Inti Wara Yassi while I was there. It will air sometime in the next couple of weeks; they´re trying to make the park seem like a tourist attraction for adrenalin junkies, which it is not. They might have me on tape singing a song to my cat, but I have no idea.

I CANT WAIT TO GO RELAX ON THE BEACH! I am exhausted from life in the jungle. Today I carried a huge bag of bricks for a mile through knee-deep mud and water, no hands free to kill all the mosquitoes that were gladly and selfishly sucking my blood! I am so pooped.

My brain is fried. I´m gonna have to fill this in at a later date, because I can´t think of anything interesting to say.

i love all of you,

caroline

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More! (Potosí) Sunday, May 3 2009

Now, let me tell you about Potosí.

Potosí is the highest city in the world. It finds its fortune in the hills and mountains all around it that are full of silver and gold. When the Spanish came here a couple hundred years ago, the natives generously and kindly showed them exactly where to find all the booty. And all of a sudden, Potosí became the center of the world! Richer than Paris, Madrid, and New York, Potosí was the place to be. All the posh world citizens sailed over to this treacherous landscape to make their homes. All around are the relics of colonial Latin America- wide open courtyards, cobble stone streets, even the most stylish clothing of the era remain the hippest digs nowadays. (All those women in strange bowler hats and shiny metallic skirts? The newest fashion in Paris when the Spanish came over here). It´s a great place. And it´s also the poorest city in Bolivia these days! The irony! (is that even irony? I don´t know why saying that felt appropriate).

The thing to do if you´re a tourist is to go down inside the cooperative mines of Potosí. These mines are chaotic. Because they are no longer private, anyone off the street can buy dynamite and start blowing up shit anywhere they want! Crazy! Children as young as 9 go down inside the mines to help their fathers. It´s a hellish place, aspestos covering the walls looks like silver, the heat is stifling, and the dust fills your lungs. Unfortunately, the ATM had eaten my card the night before and I spent an hour in the morning waiting for the bank to give it to me while they were taking their sweet time. I missed the chance to go down in to the mines! Blast! Oh well, maybe I´ll have a chance to do that someday. Apparently it´s really dangerous to go down there anyways because of the random explosions that have haphazardly constructed the mine. It could collapse at any second!

I can´t believe how lucky I am! It just so happens that I had a free ride down here with Jaime´s dad and his friends, who are all geologists. They advise the miners about what is safe. One of the friends of Jaime´s dad is named Christian. He is an awesome guy who laughs with his whole body and smiles all of the time. His family has been in Potosí ever since the arrival of the Spanish. He has a french last name, even though he is Bolivian. He casually invited us to a barbeque at his place one night at a bar in Potosí. I had no idea what to expect, but I was psyched about the free food.

It soon became apparent that this would be NO ORDINARY place! His house is the oldest colonial house in Bolivia, Still in perfect condition from the 16th century (!). It is outstandingly beautiful. I felt like I did not belong in such a beautiful place. Each room in this place has its own ghost- and every generation of his family is buried there, under the floor of the chapel. WHAT a magical place! Right next to the house is a stream with pure water fed from underneath a neighboring mountain.

Christian is the BEST guy. All the time he was practically force-feeding us food and drink- DELICIOUS food and drink, wine from the middle of the mountains and barbeque cooked over his amazing grill, his own invention (he´s a mad scientist!). I found out that he owns a mine, and that his workers get 50% of the profit while most others in the area only get 20%.  We ate at the same table that presidents of Boliva and liberators of South America have eaten. I felt so honored!

Ghosts? I didn´t see any! I woke up in the middle of the night for no reason, and I thought that a ghost might have been trying to get my attention. After ten minutes of trying to summon all the ghosts in to my room, I was too sleepy to care and I went back to bed.

By the way- I saw the most beautiful night sky I have ever seen, or probably will ever see, in my whole life. Potosí is the highest city in the world, and without lights I could see more stars than I could have ever imagined possible. The milky way stretched from horizon to horizon, and the whole sky looked cloudy with the innumerous clusters of stars. Sometimes I can´t believe that I´m going to school in the city next year. What are we thinking with all the light pollution! Come on!

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Biking the death road- not dead Wednesday, Apr 22 2009

they made us hold our bikes in wheelies for a long time

I biked down the death road yesterday, 4.20, with a guide who was a bmxer and a dude from switzerland who MIGHT have been a bmxer. I was eating dust! But I was also going WAY FAST to try to keep up with this bmx guide of mine. So I lost control of my bike a couple of times, but never fell. After a little while of going way too fast, I realized that I was being dumb and so I biked reasonably for the rest of the way.

I have so much more to say, so many more pictures to give yo all of YOUZ, all the people I love. I miss you so much, ambiguous blog-reading mass!

caroline

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Lazy as sunday mor-nin on Macchu Picchu Wednesday, Apr 22 2009

Oh man! I have been ON the RUN and have not been able to record all of my cool adventures lately. So I´m paying for it now! I´ll start with the best journey of all, the great adventure to Macchu Picchu on Easter weekend.

So- I was staying at this great place in a tiny little village in the middle of the Sacred Valley of the Incas. It´s called Harin, and you can walk from one side of town to the other along the main road in about 3 minutes. There´s only one road besides the main road. [By the way, did I MENTION how ridiculous the drivers here are? They drive literally 90mph through these tiny towns, blaring their horns constantly with the hope of warning all of the dogs and kids and pigs and cows that, for some reason, love napping right smack-dab in the middle of the main strip. It´s really scary!]

Anways, I didn´t want  to leave this great place. There really is nothing like the smell of walking through the woods on the side of a mountain, nothing like the sweet and cold water that one can find in idyllic little streams in this utopian landscape. It is so beautiful there, so much better than Cusco that I wonder why anyone goes to Cusco at all. The people in the Andes have beautiful faces. They have these round, prominent cheekbones and big brown eyes shaped like sideways teardrops. There faces tell stories; especially the children, who look like they´ve lived for 35 years when they reach the age of 8.

The night before we left, we stayed up for hours listening to our artisan friends rehearse for a jazz/spoken-word poetry gig they had at this posh bar in Cusco. It was really great, a cello and an alto sax, and the booming voice of this Argentinian man with a beard, beatniks all, playing off of the emotion of the really poignant words of this dude. The guys told us about how to sneak in to Macchu Picchu. They had done it by night during August the year before, and had the whole place to themselves under the full moon. I couldn´t pass up this opportunity for adventure! It was the full moon on Thursday before Easter

So FINALLY, we gathered the guts to leave. We had to be on our way. I guess that´s how it works with traveling- once you fall in love with the place you´re at, and the people you´re with, you have to leave and make it happen all over again. We lazily woke up at 10 o´clock instead of the advised dawn.

–time passes in bus–

We get to a town called Ollantaytambo (spelling definitely incorrect). It is the sight of one of the biggest Inca victories against the Spanish conquistadors. There is a little cafe owned by a Brit where I had the BEST HOT CHOCOLATE OF MY ENTIRE LIFE. It was not hot chocolate- it was a revolution. I don´t know how they made it, but BY GOD, I will recreate it somehow. For Peru it was outrageously expensive, but all of the profits go directly to pay for OB/Gyn doctors for the ladies who are full of all sorts of diseases because their men sleep around.

After eating delicious food (we always find some sort of fake excuse to spend money on delicious food) we waited and waited for the bus to Santa Maria, the next stop on our journey. We took an open top cargo truck, or camión, instead. This was the BEST! One of the greatest things that I´ve ever done in my life. We sat in a hole among the thousands of pounds of farm goods that were being transported to markets all over the andean hillsides. The whole time we cuddled under giant blankets with a tiny indigenous  grandmother, her unmarried son, and her really intelligent eight-year-old grandaughter. The little girl tried to marry off her uncle to us the entire time.  We paid 3 dollars for the long, scary 8 hour journey through the andes. The whole time I sand Beatles songs at the top of my lungs, learning Quechua and talking about family with these loving Andean people. It was really great, besides the hours we had to stop off and unload incredible amounts of potatoes and lettuce and alfalfa. 

 

*BY THE WAY-In the andes, all the girls call each other mamí or mamícita, and the men are all papí or papícita. How good is that? It translates to babe and dude, roughly.*

 

We got off in Santa Maria, and stayed in a hostel because it was the middle of the night! The next morning we left for Aguas Calientes, the valley town below Macchu Picchu. We got there after driving through three raging waterfalls and a mudslide that left the road almost unnavigable. Somehow our driver got us there safely, go him!

From Santa Teresa, we walked along the train tracks for 3.5 hours to Aguas Calientes. The walk was beautiful. (I hesitate to go into details because this message is ALREADY so long!)

bullet points:¨:

-we get to Aguas Calientes, way overpriced, more tourists than South Americans

-we find a hostel

-we enjoy a couple pisco sours, DELICIOUS, happy hour, good deal

-we eat at the market, delicious juice, rice

-sleepy time, need to wake up at 4 AM!

We decided we couldn´t see Macchu Picchu by night because it was really, really rainy, which would make the climb of the mountain really miserable and dangerous in the dark. We left at 4 am the next morning. There is an old Incan staircase that is over 1000 steps to the top of the mountain. WHAT A WORKOUT. I haven´t worked my body harder than sitting and walking since almost two years ago. Damn! I´m out of shape! The altitude killed our lungs, and it was exhausting, but it was all worth it when we got to the top after a few hours.

There is a secret path, used only by farmers, that leads to Macchue Picchu. We had to climb over the roof of a small cabin, and swim through the WAY overgrown path of wet rainforest for about 20 minutes. By now, it was sunny out, and there were tourists streaming in the front door of Macchu Picchu. I can´t believe how easy it was to sneak in. At the end of the farmer´s path, you land yourself right in the lower middle part of the ruins. There are no guards there! It was so great, we got in for free instead of paying hundreds of dollars! What a good place to spend Easter morning.

too bad it takes so long to upload pics or else i would have more up here! dang

Macchu Picchu was incredible, but not for the reasons I expected. It was aesthetically beautiful, but more impressive was the amazing organization of the society. Just looking at what is left of this sacred place tells me that we have so much to learn from ancient cultures. Everyone here had the same standard of living, working for the improvement of the community, striving for perfection in all parts of their lives. I learned a lot! Sacrifice was only of girls aged 13 to 17 (I guess I´m out of my prime sacrificial age by now) and only black animals.

Coming from traveling through run-down cities with no infrastructure, no sense of organization at all, I couldn´t believe how good the Incans had it. Minus the sacrifice! That would suck, huh. Apparently the Inca people abandoned Macchu Picchu because they didn´t want the Spanish to find it. It was too special to be conquered!

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Photos? Tuesday, Apr 21 2009

Does anyone know where I can upload all of my pictures online? Flickr has a file limit per month, which AIN´T NO GOOD! So if any of you internet whiz people no anything, it would be much appreciated.

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ON THE WEB FOR A HOT MINUTE Friday, Apr 17 2009

Hey guys. I apologize for the lack of cool pics. will upload at next opportunity. im in la paz, bolivia right now. tomorrow i will climb a mountain with a local dude and my friend johanna. sunday morning i am going to ride a bike down the ´death road´from la paz to coroico! i will ride slowly, thinking of my childhood so i don´t die. i seriously have to go! la paz is great! i love bolivia.

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I KNOW WHATCHOO thinkin Sunday, Apr 12 2009

So right now I am in Cusco, Peru. Sorry that i have not been faithfully updating this account of my trip. It´s so hard to keep in touch with the interwebs when i´m on the run fom place to place.

After a 23 hour bus ride lima through ideal andean mountain towns with utopian streams and forests and old incan walls, we arrived in cusco. We decided to go to the funniest, partying-est hostel in cusco, the loki hostel which is an impossibly steep climb from the center of town (or so it seemed, since there is no oxygen for my poor muscles).

The place is full of young monkeys who want to drink and mate with other young monkeys from around the world.  it´s really bizarre. It feels like going back to middle school. BUT, the view of cusco is incredible. and that makes up for the silly demographic.

We only spent a couple days in central cusco. It´s a beautiful city, but it´s full of tourists (FULL) who walk around decked out in the local garb pretending not to see one another. Its really funny to watch all of the tourists with shifty eyes pretending that they´re the only ones there, that somehow this place is authentic at all.

It feels bad to be in cusco at times, despite its colonial beauty,  because it is a city DEDICATED to tourism. It´s full of white kids. It´s kind of  like when you´re full after dinner on thanksgiving, but you really push yourself to eat a lot of  pie that you know will be delicious, but at the same time feels like poison to your poor suffering body! that´s the best way i can put it.

On the boat from Santa Rosa to Iquitos we heard from a Polish dude that there was an open house near cusco in the sacred valley of the incas that took in travelers from across the world. So instead of staying longer in this city, we went out in search of this mysterious house of artists and musicians. It turns out that it´s a really great place. It used to be a circus building, and then it was sold to the artists of the circus and now it is a cheap hostel, 1 dollar a night, in the middle of the andes mountains in a tiny andean village. the people here are so good, so real, and so different from the people in cusco who are so spoiled by the tourism that they don´t seem to be real peruvians. I wake up every morning to that sweet smell of pine and grass that is unique to being in the middle of the mountains. Everywhere huge piles of cow poop roast in the hot sun and children run around playing in the huge grass fields. it´s so great! I love the mountains!

It´s really too bad that i have to leave soon! I´m just realizing now that I have a lot less time in South America than I had originally thought. Before I left, three months seemed like a black hole of time to be away from my homeland, but now I find myself feeling rushed to get back to the northern coast of colombia, which is where I end my trip. I have to leave peru really soon in order to have enough time in bolivia, and it´s making me feel like i´m missing out on so much in peru! But i guess that´s the way it goes. I go to macchu picchu soon, and after that, I go to lake titicaca (ha,ha,ha) and la paz, bolivia. Too bad I´m american! Only americans have to pay $140 for a visa to bolivia. pinkos stealin mah precious penny! just kidding, I am really psyched about the political situation in bolivia. indigenous president, etc. cool. GOTTA GO

caroline

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Don Pancho Sunday, Mar 29 2009

Hey everyone, just here in Leticia, Colombia givin a shout out to mah MAIN man,

…Don Pancho.

I love this man so much! I figured that I should do a little blog ´special post´for him because he is THE best. I chopped wood with him all day on Friday, and I am still feeling it this morning! I´m gonna be ripped, i tell you! He cut the tree down in less than 3 minutes! This man is great. I dont have any time left so ill talk more about him later.

lovin´u

bye

c

COMIN´ TO FILL YOU IN, PALM SUNDAY 2009

CUSCO, PERU

Now that I have more time,  I can update you about my life in the Amazon.

Life in the Amazon is slow and lazy. Everything that people need to survive sits around at such abundance that it literally rots on the ground. The colors of the people and the places match the jungle perfectly. I love the red clay roads the most because it feels gross between my toes.

The humidity is stifling, but the fat, heavy rain makes it all worthwhile! The sky can go from clear blue to looming grey in a matter of minutes. On my last day in the jungle the biggest rainstorm came- and I sprinted down through the neighboring forest down a dirt path, trying to find somewhere to swim. I ended up finding 20 kids jumping off of this tree in to a pond, and so I joined them to try to prove that girls aren´t wimps (I´ve noticed all the guys down here think girls are wimps!). It was really fun trying to make myself relive the explosive joy that only little kids have when they can play in the rain.

Last Saturday I took ayahuasca with the Shaman and his wife and many of his family and friends. I was afraid at first, but when I walked in to the ceremonial hut and saw that there were smiling faces of every kind of person, I was really at ease- even the wee babes partook in the ceremony!

Taking ayahuasca was one of the most beautiful experiences of my life. The ceremony, more than anything else, shook me to my core. I felt so incredibly blessed to be able to take part in a sacred ancient ritual. The songs and the knowledge of healing has been passed down from father to first son for hundreds of generations.

Before I drank the ayahuasca, the shaman went around to each of the women and puffed the smoke from his tobacco pipe on to the crown of our heads. He then patted us down our torsos and across our shoulders with a bundle of delicious-smelling leaves.

The ayahuasca was very strong tasting, kind of bitter and a little bit spicy in a strange way, and sour. It made me feel a little overwhelmed at first;  but then I started to feel really alive, and I became aware of how greatful I was that I have blood pumping through my veins. This was the first time I could feel the ayahuasca working on my mind. My limbs felt electric and I could feel every vein pulse with blood.

The shaman and his wife sang a song together that is thousands of years old, and then the rest of the ayahusaca maestros  joined in, beating on the ground lightly with the same bundle of sweet-smelling leaves. The music was so beautiful, at once  full of lament and gratitude. The songs welcomed in to the ceremonial hut the various sacred spirits of the Amazon rainforest, the spirit of the warm and yielding earth, and the healing spirit of ayahuasca.

They sang for hours as each of the people in the room descended in meditation to their innermost struggles or ascended in to a spiritul, ecstatic state where some people say that they sit in God´s lap. An old man, one of the maestros, was speaking in tongues for a couple of hours when one of these spirits entered his body.  The Shaman team surrounded him and gave him special healing after, to let the spirit leave his body.

When I was tripping, although it did not have that many typical hallucinogenic effects on my mind, I experienced all different kinds of emotions in their pure extremes- joy, respect, disgust, frustration, sadness, love, fear and loneliness.  My mind ran a million miles per hour, and I felt peace that I was able to cry about all of the things that make me happy and sad, because I have struggled so much to feel emotion lately.

I felt like a child, free and content, and I felt like I didn´t even recognize my own hands, my face, my legs- my body was completely new to me.

I then had to go outside and make myself throw up, because everybody else was throwing up, and I felt that it would feel good and relieving to do so. I was surprised to feel like I was in some magical realm where my footsteps were so free and easy and light, and everything around me was so beautiful and alive. This made me feel so sad that a lot of the time I forget how beautiful and fragile our earth is.

I had countless thoughts and revelations during the four or so hours of the ceremony, that I could never write them all here for fear of creating a massive blog post. I also  don´t want to devalue this incredible spiritual experience by clinically exposing it on the internet.

I think I will take ayahuasca again. It is a powerful medicine, and stories of its powers make it sound like some mythical cure-all. A woman given two months to live after her breast cancer had spread to her lungs has been living healthfully with a shaman for a year now;  the cancer in her lungs is completely gone and the tumor in her breast has deteriorated from the size of a small apple to the size of a penny. Another man had a skin disease that hadn´t been healed for 13 years, and he was completely freed from his condition in two weeks. There are countless stories, too many to relate here, about ayahuasca´s ability to heal.

If there is one thing that I have learned by staying in the jungle, it is that mystery is everywhere in the world. My mind wrestles with this, and I constantly  struggle to wrap logic around our existence- but to no avail! The universe is infinite and beautiful,  and the nature of life and death are equally incomprehensible to us;  and that´s what pisses me off most and what makes me incredibly happy about being alive.

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